Joshua Burnett

Reflections on life, leadership, and church
Want a good marriage?  Follow these 12 rules for “fighting” fair.  When Sarah and I were just 16 we attended The Song of Solomon Conference which was taught by Tommy Nelson.  This was the foundation of our relationship and I am convinced it is not only the reason we ended up getting married but also is why we have a strong relationship today (11 years later)!  I have recommeded these rules to numerous people lately so I figured I would pass them on en mass.   In case you can’t read them from the picture they are as follows:  1.  don’t speak rashly (don’t let your temper get the best of you) 2.  don’t confront your mate publicly 3.  don’t confront your mate before the kids (don’t damage them by arguing in front of them) 4.  don’t use the kids (don’t try to get your kids to take sides!) 5.  don’t say, “you never…” or “you always…”  (“you” statements in general are designed only to hurt and not to bring about resolution… in conflict resolution is the goal… not hurting your mate) 6.  don’t get historical (leave the past in the past… deal with the issue at hand) 7.  don’t raise your voice (winning an argument by domination never results in resolution… ultimately your marriage looses when an argument escalates to this point) 8.  don’t call names (name calling is only designed to hurt… not to resolve) 9.  don’t mention family (saying things like, “you are just like your father/mother” again… just designed to hurt and guilt… not to bring resolution) 10.  don’t win (the goal of conflict in a marriage is resolution… not winning.  When the marriage wins everyone wins.  When one spouse “wins” no one wins!) 11.  don’t condescend (this is one that I personally struggle with!  AVOID AT ALL COSTS!) 12.  don’t demean (go for resolution not winning!) 13.  never force a quiet mate to talk (Sarah added this one.  Give some time if your spouse needs to think about the issue) These rules have helped Sarah and I avoid hurting one another for the last 11 years.  I hope they are great for you too!  It is good to keep this list handy so that you can refer to it and give each other some grace to say, “rule 11 Josh… don’t condescend!” Happy conflicting!

Want a good marriage?  Follow these 12 rules for “fighting” fair.  When Sarah and I were just 16 we attended The Song of Solomon Conference which was taught by Tommy Nelson.  This was the foundation of our relationship and I am convinced it is not only the reason we ended up getting married but also is why we have a strong relationship today (11 years later)! 

I have recommeded these rules to numerous people lately so I figured I would pass them on en mass.  

In case you can’t read them from the picture they are as follows: 

1.  don’t speak rashly (don’t let your temper get the best of you)

2.  don’t confront your mate publicly

3.  don’t confront your mate before the kids (don’t damage them by arguing in front of them)

4.  don’t use the kids (don’t try to get your kids to take sides!)

5.  don’t say, “you never…” or “you always…”  (“you” statements in general are designed only to hurt and not to bring about resolution… in conflict resolution is the goal… not hurting your mate)

6.  don’t get historical (leave the past in the past… deal with the issue at hand)

7.  don’t raise your voice (winning an argument by domination never results in resolution… ultimately your marriage looses when an argument escalates to this point)

8.  don’t call names (name calling is only designed to hurt… not to resolve)

9.  don’t mention family (saying things like, “you are just like your father/mother” again… just designed to hurt and guilt… not to bring resolution)

10.  don’t win (the goal of conflict in a marriage is resolution… not winning.  When the marriage wins everyone wins.  When one spouse “wins” no one wins!)

11.  don’t condescend (this is one that I personally struggle with!  AVOID AT ALL COSTS!)

12.  don’t demean (go for resolution not winning!)

13.  never force a quiet mate to talk (Sarah added this one.  Give some time if your spouse needs to think about the issue)

These rules have helped Sarah and I avoid hurting one another for the last 11 years.  I hope they are great for you too!  It is good to keep this list handy so that you can refer to it and give each other some grace to say, “rule 11 Josh… don’t condescend!”

Happy conflicting!